I did the most recent trance to alleviate a "block" I was feeling. And, man, did it work in spades! I am feeling really, really "unblocked" and it is manifesting itself in my writing. Thousands of great words pouring through my fingertips onto the electronic screen of love.
One of the things I'm working on, at the urging of my therapist, is my autobiography. I have started this so many times, but could never get it quite right. The quandary is how to write in my humorous style all the trauma that can in no way be transcribed as funny or laughable. There was so much of it that my psychiatrist asked me how often I thought about suicide.
When I answered, "never," he asked me, "Why not? How can you not?" I have to tell you the truth, there was an "I don't even believe you" eye roll when I gave him my answer. He doesn't believe me. He thinks I'm lying and I certainly understand why. It is sometimes unfathomable to me that I haven't thrown in the towel.
But my answer is simple. I am a daughter of God and that makes me divinity, royalty, and worth something. I have a responsibility to show my gratitude for the sacrifice of my elder brother, Jesus Christ, by doing everything I can to make the most of this sometimes troublesome and sometimes joyful life I've been given. I have to do everything in my power to serve others, which is the only way I know how to pull myself out of a pool of self-pity. I am also required to find that joy. Sometimes that means going through my own rubbish and pulling out some silly or loving memory and washing it up and hanging it on the wall so I can see it when I walk past.
I now, with intervention and self-discipline, love my life! I am joyful. I feel the compulsion to spread that joy to others. I want to be a lifeline. I want to sing from the mountains like Julie Andrews and raise everyone's spirits to where mine is.
I love you all and am so proud to call you friends, old and new!
Peace and love, always,