Blooming Women
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  • About Blooming Women
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  • Happy Birthday, Blooming Women! One Year Today!
  • Blog—Maniacal Musings—Becky Lyn Rickman, Managing Editor
  • Blog—Jessica's Journey—Jessica VanVactor, Guest Contributor
  • Blog—My Armenia—Carol Rickman's Blog
  • Dealing with miscarriage
  • My Story
  • Circles
  • The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly of Being Single
  • 5 Stages of divorce recovery
  • The Circus is in Town
  • (You're covered with) The Fingerprints of God
  • Thunder Roared and Love Soared
  • A Period Piece
  • A sneak preview of the Gertie sequel!
  • Six Steps to Cultivate your Femininity in the Business World
  • Chore Zoning or Don't try this at home!
  • The 50 with Meredith Morse—Opera Singer
  • The 50 with Jessica VanVactor
  • Memorizing Joy
  • AT LAST! My interview with Shan White, Life Coach for women in transition
  • Questions and statements we don't care if we never, ever get asked or told again (am I right, girls?)
  • The Date
  • Moonshadow's Spirit
  • Broken Writer + Hypnotherapy = Amazing Trips
  • The "R" Word
  • The 50 with Carol Shepherd Rickman
  • Triumph During Transitions
  • A Kentucky Afternoon
  • Mothers
  • 10 things chemo taught me
  • What if . . .
  • Forgiveness—A poem
  • Mantegories (n. from the Latin; man+categories)
  • Insomnia 101
  • Blooming Bud Interview: Sierra
  • Masterful Mindsets
  • It's in the bag!
  • Important lessons for children: Start where you are, use what you have, do what you can
  • Nursery rhymes, and times, and slimes, and grimes, and crimes
  • Things I learned as a single mom
  • Sadie's Soapbox: Dating
  • The Dress
  • 8 Things That Have Surprised Me About Having a Large Family
  • The gift of longing
  • The Semicolon Project
  • Most embarrassing moments—culinary edition
  • MilitaReality—a brat's perspective
  • About those elusive wisps of thought
  • Being there
  • The Giving Mom
  • How I still haven't learned to keep my smart mouth shut!
  • If you give a mom a cookie . . .
  • Cacti and Geraniums
  • The Three Gardeners
  • Beauty is as beauty does
  • Words for Sabra
  • Arm scratching in Baltimore
  • Pornography didn't kill our love and friendship . . . I did . . . and how we got it back
  • Hardening off our little bloomers
  • The Wonderful, Magical Women of Blooming Television
  • Shake it like a Polaroid picture!
  • 25 Date Nights (that aren't dinner and a movie)
  • Hills Like White Elephants
  • Maryland Beaten Biscuits
  • The night we thought the house was exploding
  • A mysterious case of goosebumps or "What is that on the wall?"
  • Militareality—Real stories of military wives
  • Finding my metal in wood
  • Another blooming bud interview
  • Chariot of Fire
  • Secret gifts of love
  • The best prank I ever pulled was . . .
  • Connie
  • Dating and other hazards
  • Favorite childhood memories
  • When God speaks . . .
  • Zanie gets into another sticky situation
  • No-see-ums: A little useful information
  • I love my kids, but . . .
  • Meg's poem
  • Another blooming bud interview
  • Some of my favorite herbal recipes are . . .
  • I love my cat, but . . .
  • I love all creatures, but . . .
  • The thing all girls and women must see and know . . .
  • The Great Chicken Debacle
  • The Powerful Influence of Brothers
  • How I feel about blooming is . . .
  • Sometimes grandma is up—other times she is simply upside-down
  • Anyone out there as anxious as I am?
  • Some of my funniest childhood memories are . . .
  • You might be addicted to Harry Potter if . . .
  • This month's survey:
  • Another Blooming Bud interview
  • The most valuable life lesson I've learned is . . .
  • The greatest blessing to come out of the most painful thing I ever experienced was . . .
  • The most powerful influence on my life is . . .
  • The thing that could have broken our family, but didn't was . . .
  • The funniest thing that ever happened to me was . . .
  • The time my dad really surprised me was when . . .
  • NEW FEATURE: Interviews with Blooming Buds
  • ANOTHER NEW FEATURE: A survey
  • The most valuable life lesson I've ever learned is . . .
  • My most embarrassing moment was when . . .
  • What really puzzles me is . . .
  • One of the most fun days I ever had was . . .
  • The most scared I've ever been was when . . .
  • The people who have been the biggest influence on me are . . .
  • I like to relax by . . .
  • The best way to do . . .
  • My most embarrassing moment was when . . .
  • The most fun I ever had was when . . .
  • When I grow up, I want to be . . .
  • What really puzzles me is . . .
  • The most amazing bargain I ever found was . . .
  • Those annoying things kids do and what they mean
  • My shameless self-promotion
  • The thing about getting older is . . .

circles

​By Tiffany Winn Rueckert, Staff Contributor
A stunningly simple protocol for anyone who loves and cares for anyone else.
Since my father's health began rapidly declining over a year ago as a result of complications with his stage 4 melanoma treatment, I have been the recipient of an infinite amount of kindnesses. Our whole family has felt tremendous support. It really has been miraculous to witness. I could write a whole book of kindness stories for you, penned with my sobbing grateful tears. Really.

I have learned a lot watching how things have worked in relation to my ill father. I read the following analogy on a blog a while ago and it really resonated with me. Since having read it, I keep this analogy at quick reference for those times when I find myself working in new circles of support or trying to help others navigate the waters of supporting loved ones.

The more I think about it and apply this analogy to experiences that I have had, the more I see its brilliance. I would like to share it with you. This was written by a mother in England affected by cancer.


"Ask yourself honestly where you sit in my world. I think of it like a spiral. In the middle is me, the person with incurable cancer. In the next circle out is our little foursome of a family. Sort of in the same bracket, but sort of not, are the rest of the family – mine and Billy’s. Outside that, a handful of our dearest friends, god-parents to our children, best men and so on. Outside that – and this is a big, blurry, happy set of categories – others whom I love, but who are one degree removed: colleagues. Old friends from work, uni or school. Aunts and uncles. Outside that, people I know, but I’m not properly in touch with: former house-mates. Friend’s other halves. Billy’s colleagues. An old boss. Ex-boyfriends. School-gate mums. And so on, until you get to the world at large. Where you sit in these circles defines how you behave. Then, the rule is simple: you provide only support to those closer to the centre than you. And you expect support from those further out than you. So, to put it bluntly, you can only emotionally dump on people in circles further out than your own. I’m not averse to being wept on (it makes me feel special and a bit saintly) but in general, save your tears. Hold it together, and weep on someone outside your circle. And think about what you can do – practically, emotionally or otherwise – to support someone closer to the epicentre. It doesn’t have to be me. It can be Billy, my Mom, my sister, my best friend. Anyway, this is a powerful and important rule and I suspect you will find it applicable to almost any family crisis you find yourself involved in, whether you are rocked by the blast yourself or just dazed by distant aftershocks."

Beautiful right?? It's important to note that at some points in the journey there may come a time when the outer circles need to be put on pause while the workings of the inner circles become quiet and intimate. You can be assured that the center has benefited greatly from all the activity of the concentrated efforts of their network but there might come a point where the world needs to stop for a moment. or two. or 500. We in the outer rings can't be offended by this. I remember very clearly sitting by myself in a dark hospital room in the earliest hours of day holding my fathers hand, listening to the beeps of the machines and the rise and fall of my father's chest. I didn't need one other person at that moment. And I'm willing to bet my father didn't need anyone either. But a few days later I needed support. And my circles were set in motion again. And I benefited greatly.

I loved the reminder that the job of the inner circles and the center is not to comfort and support the outer circles. The center needs to have the least amount of worries and responsibilities and demands on them as possible. My mom and I were discussing this the other night when she was explaining to me how difficult it is for her to not express her frustrations and discouragements with my father. Reviewing the analogy she is right, it isn't her place to turn to my Dad to vent and tell him how difficult things are. Mom needs to turn to her outer circles. That is where I am for her. That is where Dave is for me and so on. And I, in turn, can't vent to my mother about the stress of my situation. I am here to support her, the primary caregiver in any way I can. And I take care of her so that she can take care of my father.

I just love this imagery. It makes so much sense to me.

Remember that doing something is always always better than nothing. We shouldn't be afraid to reach in. I have found myself paralyzed often, not knowing how to react in a given circle. The center needs to know of your love and concern. Don't be afraid. I have found it helpful if the center and innermost circles create a point of contact which can field questions and direct all the incoming support so that the center isn't dealing with it all. That way I can contact them and get a feel for how I can help. The answer might be "They could really use someone at their side right now" or it could be "they need some space, and I'll let you know when they are ready for a visit". When the circles do become intimate, you can still show your love from a distance through small acts like cards and messages and distant gestures that can be accessed at the times the center feels ready. Sometimes the greatest act you can do is to take good care of yourself and others in the circles so that the center can rest assured knowing that all of their radiating loved ones are healthy, strong and functioning—and at the ready for when it's time again for the outer circles to work on their behalf.
​


Picture
(This picture I took in the hospital last fall was a perfect visual. One of my mother's
closest friends supporting Mom as she is supporting Dad. We have been
​blessed by so many. Thank you so much. We love you circles!!!!)


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