hardening off our little bloomers
By Mother Goose, guest contributor
It's spring and that always makes me antsy to get things in the ground. I germinate seeds and then, once they are plants, I have to harden them off by occasionally leaving them outside in the chill and storms. By doing this, they learn that they are able to endure the less than perfect conditions in the real world. They get stronger than they would in a nice toasty home.
It's no different with children.
Having helped raise a whole lot of children (4 bios, 5 steps, 45 fosters), I've seen my share of terrible twos, thundering threes, ferocious fours, through to the pre-pubescent drama and teenage angst. Who looked at or breathed on who. Who took whose toy. Who said what about who and who is going out with who behind whose back and who is going to die if who doesn't call them and ask them out. That's what all of this is to me now. Childhood nonsense. But if I think back to my own formative years, I realize that to them, these day-to-day crises are very, very real.
We can help them negotiate their way into adulthood by having meaningful dialogue with them and helping them sort things into what is serious in the moment and what has lasting repercussions. It won't always work. Let's face it. Drama can be fun. It gives a sense of importance to their issues. But if they learn, it might just take some of the sting out of childhood.
Here are some universal truths that might help them realize what is worth sweating over.
By not always protecting them in the toasty, safe home, and letting them experience real life, all the while teaching them that everything can be lived through, they will become those sturdy plants, able to grow strong and produce their own fruits.There's so much to learn and experience for our children. They need to survive with a healthy sense of self, despite these and other hard lessons. As parents, listening is our best tool, followed by selective and sage advice. We can't fight their battles or solve all their problems, but we can be there to kiss the boo-boos and listen. Soon enough they'll figure out what's really important.
It's no different with children.
Having helped raise a whole lot of children (4 bios, 5 steps, 45 fosters), I've seen my share of terrible twos, thundering threes, ferocious fours, through to the pre-pubescent drama and teenage angst. Who looked at or breathed on who. Who took whose toy. Who said what about who and who is going out with who behind whose back and who is going to die if who doesn't call them and ask them out. That's what all of this is to me now. Childhood nonsense. But if I think back to my own formative years, I realize that to them, these day-to-day crises are very, very real.
We can help them negotiate their way into adulthood by having meaningful dialogue with them and helping them sort things into what is serious in the moment and what has lasting repercussions. It won't always work. Let's face it. Drama can be fun. It gives a sense of importance to their issues. But if they learn, it might just take some of the sting out of childhood.
Here are some universal truths that might help them realize what is worth sweating over.
- People are going to make assumptions. It's true. Awful, but true. Someone is always going to jump to a wrong conclusion about something you're doing or saying. They will then generally spread that untruth to a wide circle of associations. What your child needs to figure out is how to consider the source, when to speak up and defend themselves, and when to just let it go. This is something you can easily discuss with them. Ask them who said it. Are they considered by most people to be a reliable source of information? Will this assumption affect what is most important: their education, their relationships, their future? Often, taking a deep breath, realizing most people won't believe what the evil-speaker is saying may help your child live another day.
- People will tell secrets. Yep. Some can't wait to share the deepest, darkest things they've been told. Help your child to understand that this is true. Caution them to be scrutinous about who they share their secrets with. Teach them that there is one way to tell if someone can keep a secret. Do they tell your child secrets about others? Simple acid test for loyalty. Encourage them to keep a journal if they have doubts about who to trust.
- People will ridicule and bully. This issue is a little more complex and can do a lot of damage, so it is one that really should be discussed. Asking them about the character of the perpetrator is a good place to begin a discussion. Also explaining a little psychology to them about the make-up of these sorts of people will help them choose a path. Explain about insecurities and chain of abuse. Teach them to pray for those who mean them harm, and to also pray to learn to love them despite their character flaws.
- People will break their hearts. Help your children know that breaking up is a part of being young. Teaching them that the dating process is designed to help them choose the qualities they want and don't want in a spouse. It is not fatal. It just feels that way. It is so important to know that it is better to be alone for the right reason than with someone for the wrong. It is also not wise for them to want someone who doesn't want them. Once you have talked, allow them time to process and mourn the loss. It is real pain for them and it will take time to heal.
- They will fail from time to time. Let your children know that failure happens. They should strive for excellence, but sometimes it just doesn't work out. Their best plans and hardest work may not be enough. And that's OK. They need to learn to always do their best and not compare themselves to anyone else. There might always be someone that does something better, but they are the only ones that can be the best them. The important thing is to learn to take it in stride and keep on plugging away.
- They have lots of time to grow up. All children seem to be in such a hurry to grow up and do grown-up things. Help them to enjoy childhood as long as they can. Let them know there will be lots and lots of years of grown-up responsibilities and pleasures, but their job now is to be a kid and to be the best kid they can be. To skin their knees and learn and play hard. And to learn. And to learn. And to learn.
- Some people are just mean. There are folks out there who have had so much pain and darkness they are afraid to be anything but mean. It's a protective mechanism. We need to share this important insight with our children so that they learn to not take it personally. They need to learn to be kind, no matter how others treat them.
- Real life is not a TV show. Sadly, our children have about a billion angst-ridden television shows to model themselves after. All we can do is teach them that life can be more joyful than those shows depict. There is more to it than the drama they view on the small screen. Also, all of life's problems aren't necessarily resolved in 22 minutes plus commercial breaks.
By not always protecting them in the toasty, safe home, and letting them experience real life, all the while teaching them that everything can be lived through, they will become those sturdy plants, able to grow strong and produce their own fruits.There's so much to learn and experience for our children. They need to survive with a healthy sense of self, despite these and other hard lessons. As parents, listening is our best tool, followed by selective and sage advice. We can't fight their battles or solve all their problems, but we can be there to kiss the boo-boos and listen. Soon enough they'll figure out what's really important.
Copyright © 2015 by Rent's Due Publications
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All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, click a button on any page to send email with details of the request.