The middle two during our singlehood

Things i learned as a single mom

By Becky Lyn Rickman, Managing Editor

You have to find a foundation of faith and humor to survive life in general!

Of the 38 years, so far, that I've been a mom, over half of it has been as a single one. After both divorces, my children and I wound up very temporarily without a home or a means of support. It all worked out in the end, but transitioning was taxing and took its toll. Here are some great lessons I learned along the way. 

1. I was often the enemy. As custodial guardian to the kids, I was the day-to-day parent in their lives, and as such, it was easy to blame me for the whole upheaval. I didn't take it personally. I knew the pain they were going through. I might or might not have called the ex-spouses and told them emphatically, "Man, you have no idea the unspeakable joy you missed out on today. I actually had each child, at some point, tell me how much they hate me. This after a full day's work, grocery shopping and laundry. I don't know how you could have given this up!"
2. Kids are smart. There were some fairly manipulative, petty, and hurtful things done to the kids. Things like, "Since your mother left, I won't have time for you. I'll have to find a new wife and start a new family," and removing the adopted daughter's entire savings account and depositing it in the biological daughter's savings account. These things didn't need mentioning, just talked through. I never had to drag my exes through the mud, because they were pretty efficient at doing it themselves. The kids are smart and they see things and figure things out on their own. No assistance needed. I just had to be there to reassure the children that this had less to do with them and more to do with me and that each man loved them the only way they knew how. I still reminded them to make the phone calls on Father's Day and birthdays. 
3. I wore many hats. With singlehood, I suddenly took on all the roles, including Santa, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, provider, chauffeur, worrier, extra-curricular activity supporter, bather, and all other tasks that would have been divided by two. These things still needed to happen. As exhausted as I was, I found great joy in doing them . . . most of the time. I did receive lots of great Father's Day gifts, though. They recognized my dual role and that was worth everything.
4. They suffered more pain. While I fell apart during both divorces, I knew for certain their pain was so much deeper. They shared his blood. I only shared his bed. They had feelings of abandonment and betrayal that went very deep. It would have been so easy to curl up in a ball and ignore everything. But as their parent, I did my best, failing often, to understand what they were going through. There were so many manifestations of that pain and so many things done to try to subdue it. This isn't the time to blame and yell, but to reach out and support. It sucks. They deserved so much more, but that was something we could not dwell on. We had to seek out the positive and help each other through.
5. It stinks, but . . . it is no excuse for bad behavior. They needed me to require and expect them to step up and pitch in since we were one man down. I did my best. They did better. They pitched in and showed appreciation for the good in their lives. Through the good, the bad, and the ugly, we hung in together and rallied for one another. 
6. They are grown up now. These children who lived through a substandard childhood full of woe made a choice somewhere in their circuitry to be better parents than the ones they came to. I stand in awe of the adults they have become, the compassion with which they raise their families, and the support that they give me in my dreams. They have blessed me with gorgeous grandbabies: Makenna, Riley, Delta, Sage, Ella, Madeline, Gideon, Harry and Anya, and are amazing parents themselves, each of them breaking the chain of abuse. 
7. Laughter is better than alcohol or drugs. This one we had a little trouble figuring out, but we finally did. We learned to laugh. A lot. We made adventures of things. One time, we returned pop bottles for deposit money and once we reached $5.00, we took it and walked through mounds of snow and subzero weather and bought 3 boxes of Rit dye. Purple, blue, and pink. We gathered up all our dingy and stained whites and tie-dyed our little hearts out. By the time we finished, our third story apartment looked like the set of Willy Wonka. Lace table cloth, underwear, stockings, bath towels, and all manner of linenry were splashed with rainbow colors. That day broke through a lot of Cinderella poor feelings and dull, gray Massachusetts winteriness. This sort of thing I attribute to my mother who lives by this poem, and if any of you know the correct author (I found 3 separate men listed as author on various sites), please, please let me know. Don't dwell on deprivation. Focus on the future full of hope.

If of they worldly goods thou art bereft . . . 
and to thee alone two loaves are left,
sell one, and with the dole,
buy hyacinths to feed the soul.

I learned a lot. They learned a lot. We learned even more. Life is full of twists and turns and sometime reads like fiction, but ya gotta learn to navigate the rough waters and adjust your sails and dance in the rain and talk to your imaginary friend in a stuck elevator and make sure your combination plate includes a fortune cookie. Wise words, I tell ya, from a world-weary single mom who wouldn't have changed a moment of her life. Well . . . maybe one.

Thank you eternally, Emily, Ella, Roselie, Riley, Madeline, Harrison, Aaron, Makenna, Delta, Sage, Gideon, Anya, and Hannah. 

Editor's Note: I'd love to hear from other single moms with what you've learned and how you coped! Send your stories to beckytheauthor@gmail.com

Copyright © 2015 by Rent's Due Publications

All rights reserved. No part of this publication may be reproduced, distributed, or transmitted in any form or by any means, including photocopying, recording, or other electronic or mechanical methods, without the prior written permission of the publisher, except in the case of brief quotations embodied in critical reviews and certain other noncommercial uses permitted by copyright law. For permission requests, click a button on any page to send email with details of the request.